News at Midnight...why?

Lord, there's got to be another way.
Why is it that I'm always inspired to clack at ridiculously late hours, when I'm half awake and incoherent? I wonder if it's the Spirit, giving me coherent thoughts when my body is incoherant...therefore out of the way? Tonight, the computer was off, but I figured it was now or not until yet another midnight musing session. So back on the computer came, and here I am to visit with you on this late Saturday night. Though I'm sure at this very moment, you're on billowing pillows and under warm blankets, and won't read this post until Monday...*yawn* here I am.

MEXICO UPDATE:
At the end of June, before my OK/NM trip, I talked to our family friend, Kurt, who funds these particular trips to Mexico. His foundation not only funds the trips and supports the missionary family in Mexico, but they also provide scholarships for people who wish to go. On our call, he simply let me know of some details--about the family we'd be staying with, what I'd need, how much it would cost, what the trip would entail and require of me, etc. At this point, he told me that he wasn't sure what funds were available, and the 5-day trip could ultimately cost $800-$1200. The project is called Suenos Dulces, which is "Sweet Dreams" in English. They will be going to a children's boarding school (a place where children--whose parents were unable to care for them--live, school, etc), and will be supplying mattresses for every child there (their current mattresses are old, have springs/insides exposed, or daylight is seen through them). They will also be doing some street worship/evangelizing and Church/work projects. At the end of our call, I was very excited even though I'd had no final direction that this was for sure. He told me to follow up with him once I got back from my trip. When I did, I was blessed to find that playing guitar and singing may be a wonderful asset; not only was I thrilled to know that there could be something I could offer from myself, but also I've been blessed with an Uncle who is teaching me Spanish worship songs.
Once I got back from LeAnna's and Jen's, after much prayer and questioning, I followed up with Kurt to get more details and maybe a final decision/direction. He'd invited me to a family cookout where I would meet all the people affiliated with the trips, people were definite with this trip, and also the missionary family we'd be staying with. Before we ended the call, he'd asked me if I needed any help with the cost of the trip. I honestly shared that any help would be appreciated, but if I was meant to go, the Lord would provide the means. Then he shared that they had already discussed it and had decided to fund the whole trip for me. Needless to say I hung up the phone in tears, and no longer question anything about it. Even if this still isn't meant to be right now, it's too amazing how the Almighty works--mysterious, unknown, completely unseen...but nothing is ever out of His control, nor is He idle on the sidelines. :-)

That's all I have the capacity to share right now, but will be better at keeping up to date.
And the world holds it's breath. :-)

Another blessing in the craziness has been S.W.A.T. (Spiritual Weapons And Tactics, Ephesians 6), the youth Bible study I've been helping lead. This has been an answer to prayer like none I'd thought, or continued to dream possible. Last Wednesday, we had 18 people in the little room we're already outgrowing, and we have such awesome people/kids in our group! There have been challenges within myself already; things that have stretched me out of my comfortable place, and caused me to reach for HIS wisdom and HIS strength. But only the Lord knows--and here I continue to strive simply to keep "eyes on Him", trusting He truly knows what He's doing.

There are alot of things I wish I could keep sharing just on a musing level, but I'm about to leave coherency. Physical, spiritual and all of the above.
Love and prayers for your whole Sunday--let it be not only the Sabbath routine, but the Sabbath of your heart. That you be washed by the water of the Word, and in the rest of His Presence; not the goosebumps you feel, or the yahoos in the spiritual. Just the TRUTH that He who is ever-present IS ever-present. With a mighty hand and outstretched arm, His love and faithfulness endures forever.

Long week. Still no entry.

My brain is really, really tired. And probably not of the blogging capacity at this very moment. But last night, after such a refreshing chat with my LeAnna, when I was actually inspired, all the computers were off...and the clacking would have aroused the slumbering household. :( Oh well. I'm doomed to be outletlessly inspired, and otherwise writer's blocked.
So, instead of trying to post about all I've been meaning to post about, I'll save it yet again for an evening that I can communicate it sufficiently. :-)

Thank you for our chat, Banana--I read James afterwards, and was blessed my confirmation of our conversation. About worldly wisdom, and the peace, compassionate, right-hearted wisdom that comes from Jesus Christ!

I miss my Anna. She should be back home now--can't wait to hear from you dear!

Jen dear, I'm so sorry I didn't have a blog post for you today. LOL--I'm gonna hear it on Monday, ay? Hope you had a lovely weekend and can smile BECAUSE it's Monday today. :hug:

I miss my HSA traveling ladies and prayer partners--still praying for you all, thinking about you, and hope you're having a wonderfully refreshing weekend! Carm and I kept each other company this past Tuesday. :hug:

RanchWife and Family--praying for you all as you make your way back home with your Sara!

I've had such a looong past two weeks--it's been so blurry, but good even still. The Lord is still on the Throne, no matter the hectic schedule we try to manage, the personalities we come up against, and the things we're called to be good stewards over. :-) This week, we had 20 people at youth group, I went to see the Mummy III with friends, and got the cheapest tan I know: the lawn mower. Only, I'm toast. Like, Mexican-bull-fighting-flag toast. Day 3, and I can still barely stand garments. But there's no getting around things like that--just big aloe vera and little movement. :-)

Hugs and prayers to all--I'll definitely devote everything to a post at the beginning of next week.
--Jen

I AM

Another week come and gone--and it was so busy my head is still spinning, and I feel as if there's still so much more to do. That's because there is, but we deal with it patiently! It will be there tomorrow, and it's justified to say so when you truly try your best. Whew.

Though I had a good time at VBS with the kids this past week, I was happy when it was over. We learned some new songs with hand motions to teach the kids at church, which should be as much fun as interesting! :-) My work/household routines were completely thrown off, and like I shared on tonight's prayer chat, the timing of supper (or anything else for that matter) is like the timing of the rotation of the earth. I find preparations are done the day before, if not the afternoon, that they are needed. I'm weeks behind on my Bible quest, but not giving up yet! Good things get neglected for urgent, but menial, things. All for finding a balance to be a better steward of precious time.

But these things truly are the simple annoyances that they are. All in contrast to how great the Almighty God is, and the things HE chooses to be a Good, Perfect, and Loving steward over. Simple things like this. Complex things, like ME. And beautiful things He does in His spare infinity.
"There is a chronic temptation to reduce God to human dimensions, to express Him in manageable ideas. Human reason seeks to understand, to reduce everything to it's own terms. But God is God. He is more than a super human being with an intellect keener than ours and a capacity for loving greater than ours. He is Unique, Uncreated, Infinite, Totally Other than we are. He surpasses and transcends all human concepts, considerations, and expectations. He is beyond anything we can intellectualize or imagine. That is why God is a scandal to men and women--because He cannot be comprehended by a finite mind." --Brennan Manning, Lion & Lamb

It was a breath of fresh air to read this, and many simple and elementary truths spelled out as I read Lion & Lamb this morning. Lately, I've been seeking to heal my relationship with my Father. He's not left, and I've not "strayed"...but there's a need for a refreshing of late. A washing, renewing, morning of my heart and His. I feel Him near still. But He is not as close, not as present, not as audible, etc. His voice isn't speaking from the bushes, and the warm thick of His Presence doesn't come in the quiet place. Maybe He's teaching me to rest in the solid rock of His Presence, His Love, His I AM, without my feeling it. Because regardless of the tree in the woods, when it comes to I Am, whether I feel it or not...He's There. That's a cause for a reaction of joy on my part, if I ever needed one.

My shower and bed are calling me, as the morning will come too early for my liking. Tomorrow is another day He has made; and the axis of the earth are not based on my daily routines. Everywhere children are orphaned and/or starving, my brothers and sisters in Christ are being persecuted, and kingdoms are growing more and more corrupt. Remembering these things helps me to reduce my annoyances to their respectful place, and learn to trust I AM a little bit more today.

"In His presence is fullness of joy..." may you find/remember/see that this week, my friend.

Note: Jack & Josh wouldn't load last night or today--this week's video may be too long.
Note again: Mexico update to share soon. :-)

Graduation Madness...and Rest.

No telling what this post will be by the time I get to the end of it--but dear friend, this is simply a quick note of news since I can't condure up a worthy post. I've actually written three in the past two weeks, but I wasn't able to finish them or I wasn't satisfied with them. I'd like to be bushy-tailed EVERY time I post, but alas, you have a scattered Jen this evening.

I can't wait til they can brew coffee/tea via internet...so making do, pretend we're sitting on a sunny little window seat, with a cup of creamy chai (or your preference), and we can chat. :-)

If you could see my brain/spirit/functionality, it would be quite hairless thanks to this crazy week. Tomorrow is my sister's graduation party, and we have 112 people on the RSVP list thus far. So we've been cleaning, rearranging, cooking, cleaning some more, decorating, ordering, shopping, cleaning some more...until we just get our next decade's worth of all of it. But...she be worth it, indeed. :-)

My Grandma from San Antonio is visiting and will be with us until the 25th--she and I were able to have a girl day and we went to do some last-minute shopping, and had a good time. I talked myself out of a pair of adorable shoes, but I got lovely bargains on a bunch of books (thank you Lord for thrift store and Christian bookstore!), yay!

Where is your heart my friend?

Unless you would, no need to really say, or comment on that question. :-) I ask to draw you with me to my reflective state (though hazy it is), and share where mine is. Lately, I've prayed to find joy in my journey; not pray for a different journey altogether. I long to be soully beautified by fire--to be refined--and to count it joy when the Lord answers that prayer (regardless of the burn). But I've come to a place where I really pray for rest. Just rest. Just spiritually solitary, quiet, reflective, and...rest. HIS rest. Just to breathe Him in, and sigh Him out. So I pray after this party--and any crack in the time during--to breathe Him in. Breathe His Word, breathe His solitude, breathe in His quiet love. Sound good to you too? Let's do that.

May the God who rejoices over you, be with you. And if His presence is with you, may the peace of it guard your heart and mind against: the enemy, against yourself, and against distraction. Guarding in Christ Jesus--Lover, Quieter, and Rejoicer over your soul. "He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

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I'm just a couple chapters away from finishing Foxe's Book of Martyrs. The past three unpublished posts were potentially my thoughts from reading this, and I pray to share them early next week. But referring to the above thoughts, Elisabeth Elliot noted Lady Jane Grey's (who is mentioned in Foxe's) prayer in Keep a Quiet Heart that she wrote in her prison cell before she was beheaded in 1554. She was only seventeen; it blessed and humbled me very much:

O merciful God, be Thou unto me

A strong tower of defence,

I humbly entreat Thee.

Give me grace to await Thy leisure,

And patiently to bear what Thou doest unto me;

Nothing doubting or mistrusting

Thy goodness towards me,

For Thou knowest what is good for me

Better than I do.

Therefore do with me in all things

What Thou wilt;

Only arm me, I beseech Thee,

With Thine armor

That I may stand fast;

Above all things taking to me

The shield of faith;

Praying always that I may

Refer myself wholly to Thy will,

Abiding Thy pleasure, and comforting myself

In those troubles which it shall please Thee

To send me, seeing such troubles are

Profitable for me; and I am

Assuredly persuaded that all Thou doest

Cannot be but well; and unto Thee

Be all honor and glory. Amen.

He Absorbs Me Patiently...

Suggestion Before Reading: Scroll down to playlist and click "Your Love is Extravagant". :-)

I woke up at a quarter 'til 6, before the rays of sunlight peaked over the neighbor's trees to the east. To be honest, the norm for me has been to simply lay there. Awake. But with no zeal whatsoever to get up until I absolutely have to. No gumption to rise to pray, begin the day in His Word (His voice, His breathing life), seek solitude. But this morning I put my feet to the floor, with a desperate searching to fill this emptiness that the past week has permiated of.
There's a different stillness in the early morning that demands reflection. It demands contemplation. When I went out this morning, the sun was orange against the blue/gray sky, and not quite warm enough to knock the chill out of the air. But it was clear and cool, and immersed in a stillness that cannot be found anywhere but in the early morning...and in His Presence.

I'm tired of passing excuse of my emptiness, present affliction, daily battles on anything other than myself. Of course, I leave room for reasons for battles I cannot understand...but sometimes it just comes down to my veering eyes. Veering and wandering eyes do not mean that I bow and scrape to an idol of gold, nor offer myself up for worldy practices. It means I've lost focus on what is precious to me, and Who I'm precious to. Therefore I stumble, and then cry out the "whys" of why I'm in this spiritual/emotional mess.

He absorbs me patiently.
He is strong enough to bear my "whys", and so wonderful enough to hold me through them.
Oh my God...this Love. How can it be?
Your fragrance is intoxicating in this secret place, and I forget why I veer.
Spread wide in the Arms of Christ, is a Love that covers sin.
He's captured my heart again. Something He's good at when we bring our eyes into focus.

I become aware of my bitter affliciton,
I become intricately aware and subject to it,
And my soul is broken within me.
Yet this I demand myself to remember,
And it brings me hope:
Because I am loved by the Almighty God, I am not consumed in this,
Because His compassions and love are patient.
Every morning, they are renewed for me...
Great, oh great, is His faithfulness!
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion (He is enough for me),
Therefore I wait for Him."
---Lamentations 3:19-41, in my own words

Day Three

"I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the Lord...

The Lord is gracious and righteous;

Our God is full of compassion.

The Lord protects the simplehearted;

When I was in great need, He saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,

For the Lord has been good to you."

....Psalm 116:3-7....

This psalmist is undefined, but if His anguish was anything like that of David's, it may have had to do with life and death. Though this is also undefined, those times were definitely overcome with trouble and sorrow--and those in very real instances.

My sorrow isn't life and death, which makes me feel rather small in the sorrowing. But it still seems very real in the midst of it. The past couple days seemed to permiate of things that reminded me of hurt, of what I've lost, of what's been asked of me; thus making it easy to despair. Then finally, at the very end of the day, a friend put a voice to these hurts. I cried out for His comfort, needed any ounce of it for but a moment. And in His compassion and protection, He rescued me in even my little need. The last two lines of that Psalm are so warm, I can't even put words to it.

Be at rest, my soul.

He is greater than anything I could ever know or devise. His ways, thoughts, counsel--too vast for me to even try to fathom! "I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul" (Ps. 131). He is God, and I am not.

He has been so good to me.

I don't have riches in abundance to prove this to the world, nor everything I have ever wanted at my feet and disposal. His goodness is higher than these things! Higher than anything materialistic and perishable. We may never know the depths of His work in us, but you know...that's okay. :-)

I wanted to share more in detail, but I can't find the words to share the depths yet. It's been easier for me to turn my eyes to His goodness, and find rest once more. :-) I found it interesting that the psalmist worded it that way: once more. We're going to need it again.

Above is a picture of the books I'm reading now--Jeremiah, North & South, and Hinds' Feet on High Places--and a little tea cup I found for $4.99 at a little country store. And below is a quote that Anna gave me...it blessed me very much today. It made the joy-in-the-sorrow a little easier to embrace, because it's an honor to suffer for the One we love. And in being utterly satisfied by Him alone, there's a sweet spirit even in brokenness.

"The breaking of the alabaster box and the anointing of the Lord filled the house with the odor, with the sweetest odor. Everyone could smell it. Whenever you meet someone who has really suffered; been limited, gone through things for the Lord, willing to be imprisoned by the Lord, just being satisfied with Him and nothing else, immediately you scent the fragrance. There is a savor of the Lord. Something has been crushed, something has been broken, and there is a resulting odor of sweetness." --Watchman Nee

Day Two

To be completely honest with you, I've typed this paragraph 3 times, only to backspace it all over again. It's only day two and I didn't feel like posting tonight, but I press on. My mind is muddled with tears, and I'm weary over again.

I just came from LeAnna's day two post, and related to too much of it after this evening I've had. Right now the pain is too near, and it's too late, to share in depth.
But one thing I am thankful for, is that I know Immanuel is with me. And that is enough, no matter how much this hurts. No matter what this world threatens, or what even He gives and takes away, His being with me is enough. Because I have this assurance that I'm loved by this One--that when everything else in this world fails me--HIS LOVE WILL STAND.

So I cling to this tonight, this something that is all I know right now. And like little Jaelyn there, I long to curl into His lap in a rest that doesn't come from physical (or even spiritual) sleep. But from leaning not on my own understanding, and TRUSTING HIM WITH ALL MY HEART.

There's just some things you do regardless of what contradicts them...

So how are you, dear friend? Things have been crazy here at the homeplace, but good. After the rush of the Christmas season at work, I've been enjoying over three weeks of just being home. It's gone by so fast, but the time has been so goooood for me. And I can't even name anything specific that I've done. Clean. Cook. Ride my Horse (only once did I brave the weather for it). Clean. Read a little, wrote a little. :-) I've missed doing these things very much, and found a simple joy in them I haven't known in awhile.
I did add a new member to the barnyard, imagine that. However she inhabits the house, imagine that.
So I have always wanted a parrot. Ever since I met one that belonged to a friend of ours, and ever since that sweet thing (mind you, he took to none of the strangers, save for me) plucked a green feather from his supply and placed it on my shoulder, I've been sold to wanting one. I still have that green feather in my jewelry box, by the way. :-) However, the fact that our friends had to finance the bird has somewhat kept me from seeking one out. But I found a Cockatiel in the paper several weeks ago, and was interested in the price.
So I have this bird, that was supposed to be a boy, but apparently had a complex because she finally laid an egg, revealing her true gender identity. She won't talk, since the males are the only ones that do--my Dad found that rather backwards--but we love her anyways.
She interestingly came about at the perfect time for me, and I had a hard time coming up with a suitable, yet uncorny, name for her. I kinda liked the name Darcy, cause it could work male or female, but I wanted it to mean something. I've always found it interesting in the Old Testament how the Israelites tended to name their children depending on where they were in life, what they'd learned, or things they'd gone through. So I looked up words in different languages (leaning towards Italian, naturally) that were key words to where I am and where I'd been lately, spiritually. And I came up with Fidarsi, which in Italian, means trust. :-) The kids have shortened it to Darsi, so it fits now.

A note to whom may be interested--as most of you know, the Lord has put it on my heart to begin a newsletter again, ever since I discontinued The Christian E-Girl Newsletter in '04. After praying about it, and lately feeling the pressing on my heart moreso to share the things He's bringing me through, the Lord has made a way (in more ways than one) to start again. It's called Cameratismo, meaning "fellowship". This time I have so much help, which is a blessing beyond deservant words. It's going to be very open, the mission of just sharing our hearts in hopes to edify and encourage each other in whatever part of life we're coming from! It is free to receive and through mail this time, so if you'd like to be added to the mailing list or would like to share (which is sooo needed and welcome!), just drop me a comment or e-mail me your address! Prayers would be so welcome too. :-)

My dear friend, I need to find some warmth. You may find this backwards, but my brother just proposed ice cream and I find myself happy to follow. :-) There's just some things you do regardless of what contradicts them. Like trust your Shepherd, when where He's leading is the last place you thought to go, and eat ice cream when the last thing you want is to be cold. But you find what you've chosen to do is the sweeter choice than it's "logical" option. :-)

Be blessed, for we're loved by One utterly willing and capable of loving us. :-)
--Jen