I AM

Another week come and gone--and it was so busy my head is still spinning, and I feel as if there's still so much more to do. That's because there is, but we deal with it patiently! It will be there tomorrow, and it's justified to say so when you truly try your best. Whew.

Though I had a good time at VBS with the kids this past week, I was happy when it was over. We learned some new songs with hand motions to teach the kids at church, which should be as much fun as interesting! :-) My work/household routines were completely thrown off, and like I shared on tonight's prayer chat, the timing of supper (or anything else for that matter) is like the timing of the rotation of the earth. I find preparations are done the day before, if not the afternoon, that they are needed. I'm weeks behind on my Bible quest, but not giving up yet! Good things get neglected for urgent, but menial, things. All for finding a balance to be a better steward of precious time.

But these things truly are the simple annoyances that they are. All in contrast to how great the Almighty God is, and the things HE chooses to be a Good, Perfect, and Loving steward over. Simple things like this. Complex things, like ME. And beautiful things He does in His spare infinity.
"There is a chronic temptation to reduce God to human dimensions, to express Him in manageable ideas. Human reason seeks to understand, to reduce everything to it's own terms. But God is God. He is more than a super human being with an intellect keener than ours and a capacity for loving greater than ours. He is Unique, Uncreated, Infinite, Totally Other than we are. He surpasses and transcends all human concepts, considerations, and expectations. He is beyond anything we can intellectualize or imagine. That is why God is a scandal to men and women--because He cannot be comprehended by a finite mind." --Brennan Manning, Lion & Lamb

It was a breath of fresh air to read this, and many simple and elementary truths spelled out as I read Lion & Lamb this morning. Lately, I've been seeking to heal my relationship with my Father. He's not left, and I've not "strayed"...but there's a need for a refreshing of late. A washing, renewing, morning of my heart and His. I feel Him near still. But He is not as close, not as present, not as audible, etc. His voice isn't speaking from the bushes, and the warm thick of His Presence doesn't come in the quiet place. Maybe He's teaching me to rest in the solid rock of His Presence, His Love, His I AM, without my feeling it. Because regardless of the tree in the woods, when it comes to I Am, whether I feel it or not...He's There. That's a cause for a reaction of joy on my part, if I ever needed one.

My shower and bed are calling me, as the morning will come too early for my liking. Tomorrow is another day He has made; and the axis of the earth are not based on my daily routines. Everywhere children are orphaned and/or starving, my brothers and sisters in Christ are being persecuted, and kingdoms are growing more and more corrupt. Remembering these things helps me to reduce my annoyances to their respectful place, and learn to trust I AM a little bit more today.

"In His presence is fullness of joy..." may you find/remember/see that this week, my friend.

Note: Jack & Josh wouldn't load last night or today--this week's video may be too long.
Note again: Mexico update to share soon. :-)

Graduation Madness...and Rest.

No telling what this post will be by the time I get to the end of it--but dear friend, this is simply a quick note of news since I can't condure up a worthy post. I've actually written three in the past two weeks, but I wasn't able to finish them or I wasn't satisfied with them. I'd like to be bushy-tailed EVERY time I post, but alas, you have a scattered Jen this evening.

I can't wait til they can brew coffee/tea via internet...so making do, pretend we're sitting on a sunny little window seat, with a cup of creamy chai (or your preference), and we can chat. :-)

If you could see my brain/spirit/functionality, it would be quite hairless thanks to this crazy week. Tomorrow is my sister's graduation party, and we have 112 people on the RSVP list thus far. So we've been cleaning, rearranging, cooking, cleaning some more, decorating, ordering, shopping, cleaning some more...until we just get our next decade's worth of all of it. But...she be worth it, indeed. :-)

My Grandma from San Antonio is visiting and will be with us until the 25th--she and I were able to have a girl day and we went to do some last-minute shopping, and had a good time. I talked myself out of a pair of adorable shoes, but I got lovely bargains on a bunch of books (thank you Lord for thrift store and Christian bookstore!), yay!

Where is your heart my friend?

Unless you would, no need to really say, or comment on that question. :-) I ask to draw you with me to my reflective state (though hazy it is), and share where mine is. Lately, I've prayed to find joy in my journey; not pray for a different journey altogether. I long to be soully beautified by fire--to be refined--and to count it joy when the Lord answers that prayer (regardless of the burn). But I've come to a place where I really pray for rest. Just rest. Just spiritually solitary, quiet, reflective, and...rest. HIS rest. Just to breathe Him in, and sigh Him out. So I pray after this party--and any crack in the time during--to breathe Him in. Breathe His Word, breathe His solitude, breathe in His quiet love. Sound good to you too? Let's do that.

May the God who rejoices over you, be with you. And if His presence is with you, may the peace of it guard your heart and mind against: the enemy, against yourself, and against distraction. Guarding in Christ Jesus--Lover, Quieter, and Rejoicer over your soul. "He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

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I'm just a couple chapters away from finishing Foxe's Book of Martyrs. The past three unpublished posts were potentially my thoughts from reading this, and I pray to share them early next week. But referring to the above thoughts, Elisabeth Elliot noted Lady Jane Grey's (who is mentioned in Foxe's) prayer in Keep a Quiet Heart that she wrote in her prison cell before she was beheaded in 1554. She was only seventeen; it blessed and humbled me very much:

O merciful God, be Thou unto me

A strong tower of defence,

I humbly entreat Thee.

Give me grace to await Thy leisure,

And patiently to bear what Thou doest unto me;

Nothing doubting or mistrusting

Thy goodness towards me,

For Thou knowest what is good for me

Better than I do.

Therefore do with me in all things

What Thou wilt;

Only arm me, I beseech Thee,

With Thine armor

That I may stand fast;

Above all things taking to me

The shield of faith;

Praying always that I may

Refer myself wholly to Thy will,

Abiding Thy pleasure, and comforting myself

In those troubles which it shall please Thee

To send me, seeing such troubles are

Profitable for me; and I am

Assuredly persuaded that all Thou doest

Cannot be but well; and unto Thee

Be all honor and glory. Amen.

Day Three

"I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the Lord...

The Lord is gracious and righteous;

Our God is full of compassion.

The Lord protects the simplehearted;

When I was in great need, He saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,

For the Lord has been good to you."

....Psalm 116:3-7....

This psalmist is undefined, but if His anguish was anything like that of David's, it may have had to do with life and death. Though this is also undefined, those times were definitely overcome with trouble and sorrow--and those in very real instances.

My sorrow isn't life and death, which makes me feel rather small in the sorrowing. But it still seems very real in the midst of it. The past couple days seemed to permiate of things that reminded me of hurt, of what I've lost, of what's been asked of me; thus making it easy to despair. Then finally, at the very end of the day, a friend put a voice to these hurts. I cried out for His comfort, needed any ounce of it for but a moment. And in His compassion and protection, He rescued me in even my little need. The last two lines of that Psalm are so warm, I can't even put words to it.

Be at rest, my soul.

He is greater than anything I could ever know or devise. His ways, thoughts, counsel--too vast for me to even try to fathom! "I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul" (Ps. 131). He is God, and I am not.

He has been so good to me.

I don't have riches in abundance to prove this to the world, nor everything I have ever wanted at my feet and disposal. His goodness is higher than these things! Higher than anything materialistic and perishable. We may never know the depths of His work in us, but you know...that's okay. :-)

I wanted to share more in detail, but I can't find the words to share the depths yet. It's been easier for me to turn my eyes to His goodness, and find rest once more. :-) I found it interesting that the psalmist worded it that way: once more. We're going to need it again.

Above is a picture of the books I'm reading now--Jeremiah, North & South, and Hinds' Feet on High Places--and a little tea cup I found for $4.99 at a little country store. And below is a quote that Anna gave me...it blessed me very much today. It made the joy-in-the-sorrow a little easier to embrace, because it's an honor to suffer for the One we love. And in being utterly satisfied by Him alone, there's a sweet spirit even in brokenness.

"The breaking of the alabaster box and the anointing of the Lord filled the house with the odor, with the sweetest odor. Everyone could smell it. Whenever you meet someone who has really suffered; been limited, gone through things for the Lord, willing to be imprisoned by the Lord, just being satisfied with Him and nothing else, immediately you scent the fragrance. There is a savor of the Lord. Something has been crushed, something has been broken, and there is a resulting odor of sweetness." --Watchman Nee