The treasure in a year...

Days sit like grains of sand
Nights fall like drops of rain
My eyes see such miniscule meaning
So little are their effect on my life.

But His eyes see something greater
See the sand on the shore?
Each grain makes up the body
Each day makes up my destiny.

His hands mold something more beautiful
See the ocean made up of those nights?
Whether with tears, or with prayers, or with dreams
With all of them, God works at His best.

One year has passed
And I don't see grains or drops
I see treasures I don't deserve
And ground taken by Grace alone.

<><><><>
Yesterday marked an anniversary for me.
An anniversary of learning to trust, though I can't say I've accomplished anything--I'm glad for the baby steps.
What a year's time holds in the plans of God are so amazing, even though the little grains and drops be painful or small or misunderstood. The grand picture He's working on is so much bigger than me. What I could scheme or plan would be so meaningless and so empty--it's HE who makes this life so full of good things. Why would I wish any other Author over this breath of life I don't deserve?
"You search me and know me...you know..." (Psalm 139)
"Be still and know I am God..."

Making me...

"We have a beautiful synonym for 'baptize' in English, found in no other language, the verb 'christen'. It is made up of the noun Christ and the greek suffix en, meaning 'to make'. When you whiten a wall, you make it white. When you brighten a room, you make it bright. When God christens a person, God makes him Christ. Christ lives in us and our sufferings are His passion continuing in the world."

--Lion & Lamb, Brennan Manning

Day Seven

I'd like to go into detail about what this week has meant to me, but it's really late now, and my brain isn't functioning properly. Conveniantly, the camera batteries are dead and aren't yielding a single photo to top off this interesting week. So I searched the deep archives and found this Portrait Study 9 I made for my mom back in January. :-)

We had a very good Sunday. Very Good.
There was a seeking, and a finding. :-) Praise God, nothing is too difficult for Him.
He is Trustworthy. He is Sure. He is Faithful and True.
He is God, and I am not.
All this said in the same breath of a broken heart. But I will still praise Him--it doesn't matter the circumstances choking us, "give thanks...His love endures forever." Think on this with me, will you, dear friend? His love. Endures. How long?
Think on it as you lay your head down. Think on it as you go about your day. Think about it as you do the dishes. As you fight the monotony of life. The agony of waiting. Simple brokenness. The darkness of "clear direction". And the depths of sorrow...think on this pure, lovely, good, and true thing: His love for you, and for me, endures forever.

I shall post my seven thoughts, and the highlights of the week in detail...tomorrow. Be blessed my friend--not by His gifts, not by His power, and not by what He can do for you--by He, Himself.

::hug::
Jen

Day Four

I came downstairs early this morning and went into the bathroom to put my contacts in. Standing on top of the toilet to see in the mirror, Jacklyn was brushing her hair, and she gave me this funny look.

I smiled at her, getting another funny look.

"Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, dear?" I asked.

"Actually," she began, "I meant to wake up on the wrong side, but ended up waking up on the right side instead!" :-)

I did something absolutely terrible--oh the guilt. You see, there's something about Pillsbury brownies. There are things you just buy generic brands of because of the good deal and the little (if any) difference in taste/quality/function. However, when you discover the difference between generic brownies and Pillsbury brownies...you've gone beyond saving (on more levels than one! $$$)! And ever since then, my brother Justin--who doesn't really like to cook all that much outside of Ramen noodles and microwavable things--has been the brownie-bakin' King.

So Justin made this wonderful batch of brownies that sit innocently on the stove for the random plucking. Who cares if it's near suppertime...Jen wonders to herself, what would these taste like with a little peanut butter spread on the bottom???

Okay, lt's skip the crime of peanut butter and chocolate in the same sentence and get to the fact that I ate three of them. Yes. Three. Swing the gavel, diet is doomed. You should try this, for it was delighful in heavenly proportions...and guilt loves company. :-)

Today you shall have two pictures, because I had something happy to share.

I couldn't find a place in the house for a little bit of solitude, so I decided to brave the yucky day and go out! I walked down the road a ways, and lo and behold...an easter lily bloom. :-) A little bunch of them! So I pull the handy-dandy camera from my hoodie pocket and take a picture of the little thing ready to burst from it's bonds. As I walked back to the house, I took the long way around, noticing my forgotten and neglected flowerbed. Poor thing...I'd pretty well left it to the weeds last fall and didn't even get them covered before it snowed. But still, the irises have popped a good 6 inches from the soil and the gladiolas are poking their heads out--all as if to look at their little-failure-me and say, "Hi. We'll give you another chance." :-)

Look at that bloom. Around the beautiful blossom itself is layer after layer of hard, green, shell. If you feel the outside, it doesn't feel like the velvety softness of a lily petal...it feels more like beetle armor! But before the beauty and sweetness of this little life can be witnessed in awe, it's has to break forth through layers....one layer to the next layer, until it's a soft, glorifying, refined little life. Though nothing...nothing but the strength the Lord places in that blossom, can peel the layers back for her. :-) She just has to accept the very strength her Maker has offered her by nature.

I shake my head, my friend. Life has so many layers. What layer are you facing right now? I'm encased in the beetle shell, working on this particular layer of my heart. And when I feel the most hopeless, pressing in my own strength against my circumstances, it's when I fall back weary and oh-so-ready for Him to take over that I begin to see the sunshine between the folds. Notice it's after the surrender?

May your day, and the rest of your week, be enveloped in this beautiful fact: We need Him. All of Him. Like that bloom, by nature we need His strength. We were formed with that need, so that nothing in the world could fill it but Himself. :-) "When we find ourselves most hopeless, the road most taxing, we may also find that it is then that the Risen Christ catches up to us on the way...for it is He--not His gifts, not His power, not what He can do for us, but He Himself--who comes and makes Himself known to us. And this is the one pure joy for those who sorrow." (Elisabeth Elliot)

Thankful for He, Himself...

Jen

Day Three

"I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the Lord...

The Lord is gracious and righteous;

Our God is full of compassion.

The Lord protects the simplehearted;

When I was in great need, He saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,

For the Lord has been good to you."

....Psalm 116:3-7....

This psalmist is undefined, but if His anguish was anything like that of David's, it may have had to do with life and death. Though this is also undefined, those times were definitely overcome with trouble and sorrow--and those in very real instances.

My sorrow isn't life and death, which makes me feel rather small in the sorrowing. But it still seems very real in the midst of it. The past couple days seemed to permiate of things that reminded me of hurt, of what I've lost, of what's been asked of me; thus making it easy to despair. Then finally, at the very end of the day, a friend put a voice to these hurts. I cried out for His comfort, needed any ounce of it for but a moment. And in His compassion and protection, He rescued me in even my little need. The last two lines of that Psalm are so warm, I can't even put words to it.

Be at rest, my soul.

He is greater than anything I could ever know or devise. His ways, thoughts, counsel--too vast for me to even try to fathom! "I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul" (Ps. 131). He is God, and I am not.

He has been so good to me.

I don't have riches in abundance to prove this to the world, nor everything I have ever wanted at my feet and disposal. His goodness is higher than these things! Higher than anything materialistic and perishable. We may never know the depths of His work in us, but you know...that's okay. :-)

I wanted to share more in detail, but I can't find the words to share the depths yet. It's been easier for me to turn my eyes to His goodness, and find rest once more. :-) I found it interesting that the psalmist worded it that way: once more. We're going to need it again.

Above is a picture of the books I'm reading now--Jeremiah, North & South, and Hinds' Feet on High Places--and a little tea cup I found for $4.99 at a little country store. And below is a quote that Anna gave me...it blessed me very much today. It made the joy-in-the-sorrow a little easier to embrace, because it's an honor to suffer for the One we love. And in being utterly satisfied by Him alone, there's a sweet spirit even in brokenness.

"The breaking of the alabaster box and the anointing of the Lord filled the house with the odor, with the sweetest odor. Everyone could smell it. Whenever you meet someone who has really suffered; been limited, gone through things for the Lord, willing to be imprisoned by the Lord, just being satisfied with Him and nothing else, immediately you scent the fragrance. There is a savor of the Lord. Something has been crushed, something has been broken, and there is a resulting odor of sweetness." --Watchman Nee

Day Two

To be completely honest with you, I've typed this paragraph 3 times, only to backspace it all over again. It's only day two and I didn't feel like posting tonight, but I press on. My mind is muddled with tears, and I'm weary over again.

I just came from LeAnna's day two post, and related to too much of it after this evening I've had. Right now the pain is too near, and it's too late, to share in depth.
But one thing I am thankful for, is that I know Immanuel is with me. And that is enough, no matter how much this hurts. No matter what this world threatens, or what even He gives and takes away, His being with me is enough. Because I have this assurance that I'm loved by this One--that when everything else in this world fails me--HIS LOVE WILL STAND.

So I cling to this tonight, this something that is all I know right now. And like little Jaelyn there, I long to curl into His lap in a rest that doesn't come from physical (or even spiritual) sleep. But from leaning not on my own understanding, and TRUSTING HIM WITH ALL MY HEART.

Neither life...nor death...

"We are hard pressed on every side,

But not crushed;

Perplexed, but not in despair;

Persecuted, but not abandoned;

Struck down, but not destroyed.

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus,

So that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake,

So that His life may be revealed in our mortal body."

2 Corinthians 4:7-11

This line spoke to me the most: always being given over to death.
LeAnna and I talked the night before last, AND last night. One thing she shared that really stood out to me was that so many people we know (including ourselves)--very particularly and specifically strong believers in Christ--are under great oppression of some kind. And not just little trials, big things that bring our soul a taste of death. Whether they be Suffering of Circumstances or Suffering of Self, or Suffering of Sacrifice...it seems everyone is faced with true pain of some kind, overwhelming us to the point of brokenness. All especially where the suffering isn't merited--in circumstances that haven't been brought on by bad choices or mistakes...they're simply valleys the Lord leads us through that ask greater things of us.
We're always being given over to death.
Paul could have made up a synopsis like this: Okay, to fair warn anyone interested in venturing through life with Jesus Christ, you will encounter valleys deep, dark, lonely, taxing, and utterly and completely unknown. But do not fear, the valleys don't hurt much and we get breaks in between.
But he didn't. He did say that we share in [Christ's] sufferings (Phil. 3:10), the sufferings of Christ flow into our lives (2 Cor. 1:5)...yet our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us (Romans 8:17-18).

We're always being given over to death. I want to look up the Greek meaning to this particular "always"...does it mean momentarily? Permanently? Consistently?
For me, I glean from what it means in the general English...always. Daily, momentally....He's refining, working, challenging, and carrying us through the greater things. And discouragingly, because His work is so intricate, nothing can be noticed until we can see it in a bigger picture.

As I've made my way through the Old Testament, always being given over to death, is the life theme of so many honored people.
Abraham's most treasured possession was asked of him...after it was promised to him.
Jacob's entire lifetime's story was moving from one valley to the next valley.
Joseph--one suffering, one abandonment, one disappointed dream after another. But though he was pressed, persecuted, and struck down...."Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." (Genesis 50:19-20)
And currently, Ruth and Hannah....both bearing the broken hearts of nothing "merited". One from loss of a loved one; the other from lack of one.

The beauty of these lives isn't beauty without the fires they were asked to pass through.
And who am I, that God would take the time to refine me? How is it that I have been counted worthy to refine? "Worthy" is a perfected state...so where is the sense in this oxymoron of refining it?
God's overwhelming, and humbling grace--if you can't see it my friend, think about the depths of the Cross. Think about your Sin Offering...and the love that He still chooses to perfect in you daily.

No, my sufferings aren't watered down by these thoughts. And the bitter taste of spiritual death makes me want to crawl away (spiritually) and let it run it's course. The days surely come where I barely have enough strength to lift my eyes to the hills.
I have to remember and cling to:
His love and goodness embrace both my pleasure and my pain. It doesn't magnify or eliminate...but embraces. Yes, He leads me through valleys--He doesn't send me through them. By leading, He is with me. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death", the one we're always walking through, "I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me."
My Immanuel, who stepped before the Altar of God to make blood atonement for the world...is with me, with as much love and understanding of suffering as if He is still being stripped of His flesh, and stripped of His Father's love.

Beloved of the Most High--this is why you and I joy in our sufferings: The life and glory of the Living God are being revealed in more powerful proportions than fiery evangelists, popular devotionals, and sermons from the pulpit. It's in your life, in the pain if not moreso than the victory, that Jesus Christ is being glorified.

Be encouraged by the Goodness that embraces your pleasure; the beautiful things that make life worth living.
AND be encouraged by the Goodness that embraces your pain; the beautiful things that make us reach for the greater things.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution...? As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' In these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that
neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future,
nor any powers,
neither height nor depth,
not anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus."
--Romans 8:35-39--

That love that knows my suffering, that love that knows my pain; for His sake, we face death all day long. And it's more blessed for us, because we never, ever face it alone...and nothing can make it so.

Two decades makes for interesting things...

Thank you everyone who has so sweetly wished me blessings today. :-)
Oh, happy birthday to me. *tosses confetti*

I love to cook, and I should've been Italian. :-) That's just what I've gathered with five senses and I'm stickin' to it. Usually if I make crab manicotti just fast and easy, it has merely a vegetable and butter bread to go along with it. But today, December 17, Jen was moody for a feast. So I packed stir-crazy Jaelyn up to go shopping for food! When I got home I baked a birthday cheesecake, and at about 4:45 embarked on suppa. We had the crab manicotti with a butter asparagus vegetable medley, a loaded salad, and artesian bread knots.
Then, of course, the *hallelujah chorus rings* caramel pecan cheesecake.
I won't eat for a couple days. :-) This brought me joy I've not known in a very long time.

20 years...and a few hours. Looking at all the tiniest molecular aspects that have woven my life to this very moment: milestones, people, places, burdens, seasons, blessings, and sufferings. From childhood, to girlhood, to whatever you'd call me now. These monstrous little things that have each been a thread in the tapestry of who I am now, or an aspect of the climax in this story. I look to the heavens and wonder...did the Lord God look down upon this curly-headed little blonde 20 years ago, and "interesting" be my destiny? Interesting, for lack of a better word.
Of your life, He's planning something. Do you grasp that? (I ask because I only just did) Do you, precious of God, look over your life and laugh...wondering what in the world He has in mind? I do. With how confused and blind I've become, I wonder, wonder, wonder. Like a child of dreams: this child knows what shape and form their deepest desires are. And then God gift-wraps their destiny...and it's in a different shape, with a big ol' bow nonetheless. As a child of carnal nature, you can't help but be heartbroken at first. Dear one, cling to the promise that it will be greater than you could ever have dreamed...no matter the outcome of your life. No matter the paths you'll take, the wildernesses you'll cross, the destinies you'll fullfill.
When I'm in my last breaths, how will I see my life as I look over it?
Blessed.
Not because Jen had good things, but because I had terrible things too. Because my Abba was in it with me, and nothing He's placed before me I cannot bear. He will bear it with me.
Paul challenged to take joy in your suffering--it's easy to joy in joyful things. It's faith to joy in things that are less than what we'd desired.
Even still, I don't deserve the seasons He's asked of me. So many have suffered more than I, and still come out singing praises to God. Can't I, whose been carried by Him in the little things I suffer, praise Him with every breath within me? I may never understand what exactly He's doing in the depths of me, but there's no living without Him. Love is worth any fall upon the invisable, as unlogical as it seems.
"...I may never understand the depth of what You've done inside, but I know I won't find any worth apart from You..." --Jeremy Camp

This has been a soapbox/heartbearing session for myself more than anything. :-) But thanks for bearing with me. Praise Him...He Who is in me and with me, and greater than anything in this world. :-)

Crying like a baby on a [Monday] in the snow...

(sounds like a country song)
Look to the east...Jen posted twice in two days??? :-)

So I woke up to a dreary Saturday morning. My Saturdays are typically like Garfield's Mondays, cause it means a long shift on a busy day. It means by the end of it, I'm starving, achy and my feet are akillin' me. Thankfully, I didn't have to be at work until 1, so I had some time to mosy about home.
My morning didn't start good at all. My spirit couldn't find it's resting place, so I shut myself in the quiet. :-) I know it helped, but in seeking joy and strength for the day, I found the longest sob session I've known in my 20 years. I don't remember hiccuping from tears since I was liitttle. That knotty feeling in your chest that builds into your throat before you cry seemed to just linger and linger and linger. I sat on the floor next to my hope chest where my stereo sits and just cried in the quiet, listening to Jeremy Camp's "Give me Jesus" over and over and over again...searching and feeling so wandersome.
Questions made no sense at all. Answers seemed like ash. The dagger in my soul just so happens to be something precious to me...of I pull it out, will I die? Leave it there, will I die?
When it hurts, it feels so good to cry. Wonder what the Lord thought of when He gave us the gift of crying. When the floodgates of all you're keeping from Him break in surrender, there's something so beautiful in the peace that overflows afterwords.

I took my CD with me and listened to it on my way to work...goodness it was cold! The day was all silvery gray, like it looks when it snows only without the snow. :-) It looked so sleepy, so quiet...it was so sweet to have those 30 minutes of driving, while the weather and the music reflected what my spirit needed so much. Simple, beautiful quiet.
The 10-hr shift was good for me...just to have my hands busy, my mind occupied, my worries momentarily cast aside. :-) Screaming kids and picky moms have that kinda effect.
When the day finally came to an end, exhausted and sore, I closed the studio and walked out into something that made me laugh out loud.
Snow.
Lots of it!
Wispy, sparkly, and sticky, and it wasn't stoppin'.
I had to drive 35 mph to get home safely, but there was no where else and no other speed I would've rather been going. It was so pretty...so peaceful. :-) I popped Jeremy Camp right back in and just watched it fall as I drove home in the dark. Nothing like it, I tell you.

"Where is the trust being worked out in my life if I think good things are from God but bad things are some mistake? Trust is believing that He is good in every situation, that He has a plan and reason in every situation, that His love is in every situation." (Andrea hit that on the nose--ylcf.org)

He is still good. He is still faithful. He is still Immanuel...still with me. No suffering, no heartache, no decision made by man can ever change Him. His promises still ring true, His love still endures forever---and "even when I don't deserve, [He always shows] the fullness of [His] love."

Amen.

"In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus..."--Jeremy Camp

"Your earlier life was narrow and intense, settled around a little sun-spot of experience; then God withdrew His conscious blessings in order to teach you to walk by faith." --Oswald Chambers

Makes me miss the sunspot my early faith was. Yes, I struggled...the blossoming of my desire to know the Lord personally was hard as any growing pains are. The knowledge of one battle strengthening you for the next must be true, cause they just seem to always get harder. Faith shines the brightest in adversity--it's what FAITH IS. It's easy to fall into the routine of subconsciously thinking faith means everything is going okay! But faith blossoms not from anything we can fashion, all when the sick sensation of "not knowing" begins to choke our hope.
It comes down to precious trust.
Do we truly trust Him? Truly with the sleeping childlike trust that would cast our life on the invisable? On the dreaded unknown? Like a child in the protective arms of a father, the dreaded unknown isn't dreaded. It's just unknown...and it's okay! Faith stands upon that rock: Trust. We have faith based on our trust in His love...the knowledge of His love gives us the foothold to cast it all upon Him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope, sweet hope.
Placed in the world it is lost.
Love is forgotten.
Peace is stolen.
Everything of precious value is cast away.

There is a Fortress,
Love is known and He is warm.
Peace is in the foundations of His Being,
Hope placed in Him gains her reward.

In this Lover, you can fall without fear,
You can speak and He understands,
You can be broken and He will heal,
You can fail and He loves you even still.

You've seen nothing so beautiful,
Never beheld the extrordinary,
You've been deceived in your knowledge of love,
Until you meet Him.
He is beauty, He is romance.
He is sacrifice.
He is selflessness.
He is warmth, joy, rest.
He is unstoppable in His pursuits, and He pursues me.

Give me this One.
Thousands of years cannot define Him.
Universes cannot contain Him.
This One that adores me. This One who calls me by name.
Give me this One.