I AM

Another week come and gone--and it was so busy my head is still spinning, and I feel as if there's still so much more to do. That's because there is, but we deal with it patiently! It will be there tomorrow, and it's justified to say so when you truly try your best. Whew.

Though I had a good time at VBS with the kids this past week, I was happy when it was over. We learned some new songs with hand motions to teach the kids at church, which should be as much fun as interesting! :-) My work/household routines were completely thrown off, and like I shared on tonight's prayer chat, the timing of supper (or anything else for that matter) is like the timing of the rotation of the earth. I find preparations are done the day before, if not the afternoon, that they are needed. I'm weeks behind on my Bible quest, but not giving up yet! Good things get neglected for urgent, but menial, things. All for finding a balance to be a better steward of precious time.

But these things truly are the simple annoyances that they are. All in contrast to how great the Almighty God is, and the things HE chooses to be a Good, Perfect, and Loving steward over. Simple things like this. Complex things, like ME. And beautiful things He does in His spare infinity.
"There is a chronic temptation to reduce God to human dimensions, to express Him in manageable ideas. Human reason seeks to understand, to reduce everything to it's own terms. But God is God. He is more than a super human being with an intellect keener than ours and a capacity for loving greater than ours. He is Unique, Uncreated, Infinite, Totally Other than we are. He surpasses and transcends all human concepts, considerations, and expectations. He is beyond anything we can intellectualize or imagine. That is why God is a scandal to men and women--because He cannot be comprehended by a finite mind." --Brennan Manning, Lion & Lamb

It was a breath of fresh air to read this, and many simple and elementary truths spelled out as I read Lion & Lamb this morning. Lately, I've been seeking to heal my relationship with my Father. He's not left, and I've not "strayed"...but there's a need for a refreshing of late. A washing, renewing, morning of my heart and His. I feel Him near still. But He is not as close, not as present, not as audible, etc. His voice isn't speaking from the bushes, and the warm thick of His Presence doesn't come in the quiet place. Maybe He's teaching me to rest in the solid rock of His Presence, His Love, His I AM, without my feeling it. Because regardless of the tree in the woods, when it comes to I Am, whether I feel it or not...He's There. That's a cause for a reaction of joy on my part, if I ever needed one.

My shower and bed are calling me, as the morning will come too early for my liking. Tomorrow is another day He has made; and the axis of the earth are not based on my daily routines. Everywhere children are orphaned and/or starving, my brothers and sisters in Christ are being persecuted, and kingdoms are growing more and more corrupt. Remembering these things helps me to reduce my annoyances to their respectful place, and learn to trust I AM a little bit more today.

"In His presence is fullness of joy..." may you find/remember/see that this week, my friend.

Note: Jack & Josh wouldn't load last night or today--this week's video may be too long.
Note again: Mexico update to share soon. :-)

Why vacations are never long enough...

(Praise the Lord for surge protectors and draft autosave, since lightning struck and the computer refused to power on...but it's all good! :-)

Once upon a 12-year-old time, I responded to a pen pal request, and a couple years later, entered into a friend's chat conference. Vwwwolla, and praise the Lord, I was blessed with two of the few ladies that have stuck amidst the many pen pals I've had. It was worked out with Grace, Frequent Flyer Miles, and lotsa gasoline that I got to spend 8 days with LeAnna and 4 days with Jen! :-)

Tuesday before last, I flew to LeAnna's adorable little Flower's house. We stuck with tradition and went to the thrift store with her Mom, brother and sister--it was moi fun! I got 3 pairs of capris, a Pasta Express, 2 boxes of blank notecards, and a computer game (I think that was all?) without spending over $15. Yay for bargains! Then we were just resting and hanging out with her husband Brandon (who nearly sent me to Jen's alone for fear of not being able to survive four days without his darling wife) until we left for Jen's on Thursday morning. :-) Brandon is a hoot! And don't you dare tell him he can't watch Nashville Star because it's suppertime, he'll throw one hilarious 30-year-old (did I mention that?) fit. I STILL laugh when I remember that!

We got on the road at about 8:30 Thursday morning, with our many belongings, gifts, Laffy Taffy, and a couple Audio books to pass the next eight hours. We did amazingly well chatting the whole way for the first four hours without a dull moment in between topics. Once we hit humdrum West Texas/New Mexico territory, we think it would be a good time to pop in Beverly Lewis' The Preacher's Daughter to get the landscape to pass quicker. However, we didn't get through the first disc, cracked up that the lady did the man's voice unconvincingly, and the presumed thirty minutes (?) we listened for felt like two hours. Since that simply would not do, we turned it off and talked the rest of the way (save for about an hour LeAnna slept and I blared Josh Groban).

Once we arrived at Jen's, we jumped right out to hug each other's necks, meet Jen's husband John, and tour their adorable little ranch house. Do we think to kill two birds with one stone and go ahead taking our things in with us? Oh no. Even though later, all three of us were kicking ourselves since we thought about it but went forward touring the aforementioned adorable ranch house. Poor LeAnna locks the keys in the Volvo, along with everything but the clothes on our back. *gasp* I think I had my cellphone--but money? Tooth paste? CAMERA?! *bigger gasp* The Good Lord provideth not an open Volvo dealership, but he provideth a heroic Hispanic locksmith to come to the rescue at 7:30 in the evening. We probably would have offered him supper for our joy, but LeAnna hugged him, tipped him, and we proceeded with vacation. :-)

Friday at Jen's (while John was already at the rodeo), we spent nearly all day in the kitchen making assorted nacho dips, raspberry lemonade, and two types of cookies for our evening fare. Hint: LeAnna and Jen are expecting. *And the world sighs with understanding as to why such a fare would cross our nutritiously conscious minds* That night, we watched fireworks from afar (haha, joke from Jen's brother Nathan to follow post), chatted about spiritual things/aliens/and random people coming upon a little ranch house occupied by three unsuspecting ladies. Note: Any man of consequence to us is at this aforesaid rodeo. To be perfectly honest, I hadn't been nervous. But I told a creepy story before bedtime that night, and my dear friends were officially "nervous".

Saturday (we made it through the night), we arose early for a 2-hour drive to the Ranch Rodeo. It was an all-day ordeal, and poor LeAnna was exhausted, but it was loads of fun. We went shopping in Ruidoso, and ate at this nifty wrap cafe. At the rodeo, we visited with Jen's family and friends, RanchWife and Cottonpicker included, and watched her husband/brother/cousin participate in the rodeo. However it made me feel old, and sorry so much time had passed, it was so good to see everyone. :-)

Sunday was spent relaxing with Jen's family where RanchWife made wonderful dinner of hearty-nutritious-stick-to-your-ribs-unpregnant kinda things. :-) LeAnna's tummy was quite thankful, and Jen's was happy to second the thankfulness. It was rather sad without Taylor and Sara, they were sorely missed. We got Nathan's Sea Monkey aquarium set up (Mama, did you feed them today?), went swimming, and returned home. That night, Jen and I threw LeAnna a surprise mini-baby shower, which was lotsa fun.

Monday morning, we grabbed some coffee with Jen, took some pictures, said goodbyes (which I, Jen, did fairly well not to cry...no really I DID...do well), and hit the road again. The next eight hours of talking, a Bible study, and sleeping found us back at Brandon and Banana's. We spent my last night at her Mom and Dad's for her birthday supper, and had another wonderful time. It was good to hangout with Rachel and Zach (with whom we planted another growing Sea Monkey Home), feed Brandon's friendly cows, see her grandparents, and visit with her sweet Mom.

This post is long already, I could go on about how we three ladies (and Brandon on cellphone) fixed a water pump, how I was mistaken by a 16-year-old as schoolage and possibly eligable (then I interrogated him as to how to pursue a young lady), I left my cellphone at LeAnna's after we manuevered through construction, and how we zoomed back to get it. Then how my bags were checked in late, and there was a possiblility they wouldn't make it home with me. AND how they were so confusing, I could have either boarded the wrong flight, or missed mine altogether. But I'm home, that's what is important. It was really good for me, and I'm sooo thankful it worked out. I'm not going to wait 2-4 years to see these gals again. :-)

I have news to share about our Youth Group and the Mexico mission trip--but I will save them for next time. Thank you for all the prayers and messages I came home to! May the Lord bless your weekend...

Glad to be home, and thankful for dear friends (and adopted family!),

Jen

A joke from Nathan--

Why did the wise men have ashes on their feet?

'Cause they came from afar.

(say it with a Texan accent, then you'll get it) *hi-five to Nathan!*

Dwelling on Good Things

Yay for a Saturday off. My boss thought I'd be upset. And I laugh. :-) Yes, I'm SO thankful for my job...but I laughed indeed. It happened that they weren't busy and were sufficiently staffed. So I get to stay home, clean house and cook food for 30+ people that will be here tonight. Why? To mention a prayer request first: my great uncle (my Grandpa's--Dad's dad--brother) has recently been diagnosed with cancer of glands, but I can't remember which. He's had some health problems for awhile, currently with a clogged artery in his leg. He's smoked all his life, but has lately given that up. His wife has gone to church for years, but only in the past couple has he gone with her and has truly enjoyed it. You can see the glory and the change in his heart (though he's always had a teddy bear one!), and it's humbling to see. But this is a hard time for his wife, kids, grandkids, etc. Please pray for him, and for them all--he's been in such wonderful spirits, and giving the Lord the faith and glory in each step. You can't help but find the joy when you see him, instead of feeling sorry. He's ready for whatever his God leads him through.
He's somewhat the main reason we're getting together tonight--we rarely do this on this side of the family altogether. We get along and such, but the getting-together is really hard to motivate and make happen. So we're praying for a good time with everyone, since it may be a long time before we do it again. Thank you for any prayers!

If RanchWife calls herself a slacker, I don't know what I am! Non-existent? :-)
But lately as I sit down in front of a text box, it seems the words don't come--and if they're negative, I can't bring myself to post them. Please don't become self-conscious now my much-loved bloggers, it's just an issue with me! I want a good, light-hearted, spiritually joyous post everytime--despite the fact that it doesn't need to be the case. There's the ups and downs. Period. No getting around them, and on a positive note: even the downs are for the GOOD. :-)
But it's not that there hasn't been anything going on...perhaps that's why, cause I'm ready for the craziness of life to settle down. We've had graduation, visiting family, a live-in Grandma (which has been wonderful!), work, church, and random/spontaneous/groove-thrower-offers to just make your hair fall out. But the Lord is good, and the river has to come to a still brook sometime we know.

Speaking of dwelling on good things (thanks LeAnna & Jen for listening and sparking the thoughts!), I'll share something that came to mind while reading about Jacob this week; a story I learn from each time I go through it. In the midst of getting frusterated with sisters Leah (who was unloved) and Rachel (who was loved by her husband), I saw something of Leah to think about. In that day in time, the people named their children/land/property after where they were in life. And here is what Leah named her first four sons: "When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. Leah become pregnant and gave birth to..."

Reuben: "Is is because the lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now."
Simeon: "Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too."
Levi: "Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons."
Judah: "This time I will praise the Lord."

The repetative nature of the names show that Jacob still didn't favor Leah even after his sons were born (or at least, Leah doesn't feel it). But reading it, I could feel her agony and suffering as it seemed to consume her. Being unloved by the man she was bound to probably consumed her thoughts, consumed her lifestyle, etc, therefore made her miserable. But here, at the birth of Judah (that happens to be the line of David, therefore the line of Christ), she simply praises the Lord. Not because her husband loves her now, because reading further she becomes desperate again as both women offer their servants to produce offspring for them. But she stops--no more dwelling on what she doesn't have, but praising the Lord. It made me wonder about the things we want, wish were different, or any current battles: spiritually speaking, what would we name things if they was based on where our hearts lie? Would it be consumed in what we want, or praising the Lord regardless? It stepped on my toes for one, but it's an encouraging thought still. My God is Sovereign. He's God--and I am not. So our call to higher hope, a hope of glory (Colossians 1:26-27), is to praise Him for the goodness He's ALWAYS working in us.

May that higher hope in your Jesus produce the strengthening joy we're to give account for. :-)
Love and prayers for your weekend,
Jen

Day Five

Friday tends to mark the end of the week...but it's only day five. :-) This has been so much harder than I thought, but I'm glad I did it. And I won't say I'll never do it again, cause I've learned an awful lot in simply the everyday.

"With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you..."

2 Peter 3:8-9

I wonder what a whole day is to the Lord in detail. It's amazing what a whole day is to me...critical in the course of my life, but here and gone and forgotten by the next one. I was thinking today....I don't remember what I did last Friday. Don't remember a single solitary thing.

But it was important, I know. :-)

Following the lovely M. Blackwell's lead (by the way, I totally claim Gertie!), I'm going to post something I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for everyday. This week has shown me how the days are so unpredictable...when your feet hit the floor when you climb out of bed, you don't know what "mood" this day is going to have. Yet, I tend to see the woe before the gracious.

I'm thankful for the everyday. The mundane. The things I cannot change. I'm thankful for them. Because I'm here in their midst for a reason, and pray with all my heart that I grow in them for the better.

So I'm thanking my Father for them, and it's like a walk against the grain. Like spitting in the face of what is tearing you down, and finding the courage to pick yourself up again. Thank Him for what you're overcoming. :-) It's there, and He's here with me...that makes the everyday so much more bearable.

(Thank you, Mary for a better word!)

Aren't they just adorable? Mary is staying the weekend with us, and she and Jaelyn are just so photogenic. :-) I pray your Friday revealed so much to be thankful for--and in everything you find a reason to say thanks for, it's just more proof of His love for you.

Day Four

I came downstairs early this morning and went into the bathroom to put my contacts in. Standing on top of the toilet to see in the mirror, Jacklyn was brushing her hair, and she gave me this funny look.

I smiled at her, getting another funny look.

"Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, dear?" I asked.

"Actually," she began, "I meant to wake up on the wrong side, but ended up waking up on the right side instead!" :-)

I did something absolutely terrible--oh the guilt. You see, there's something about Pillsbury brownies. There are things you just buy generic brands of because of the good deal and the little (if any) difference in taste/quality/function. However, when you discover the difference between generic brownies and Pillsbury brownies...you've gone beyond saving (on more levels than one! $$$)! And ever since then, my brother Justin--who doesn't really like to cook all that much outside of Ramen noodles and microwavable things--has been the brownie-bakin' King.

So Justin made this wonderful batch of brownies that sit innocently on the stove for the random plucking. Who cares if it's near suppertime...Jen wonders to herself, what would these taste like with a little peanut butter spread on the bottom???

Okay, lt's skip the crime of peanut butter and chocolate in the same sentence and get to the fact that I ate three of them. Yes. Three. Swing the gavel, diet is doomed. You should try this, for it was delighful in heavenly proportions...and guilt loves company. :-)

Today you shall have two pictures, because I had something happy to share.

I couldn't find a place in the house for a little bit of solitude, so I decided to brave the yucky day and go out! I walked down the road a ways, and lo and behold...an easter lily bloom. :-) A little bunch of them! So I pull the handy-dandy camera from my hoodie pocket and take a picture of the little thing ready to burst from it's bonds. As I walked back to the house, I took the long way around, noticing my forgotten and neglected flowerbed. Poor thing...I'd pretty well left it to the weeds last fall and didn't even get them covered before it snowed. But still, the irises have popped a good 6 inches from the soil and the gladiolas are poking their heads out--all as if to look at their little-failure-me and say, "Hi. We'll give you another chance." :-)

Look at that bloom. Around the beautiful blossom itself is layer after layer of hard, green, shell. If you feel the outside, it doesn't feel like the velvety softness of a lily petal...it feels more like beetle armor! But before the beauty and sweetness of this little life can be witnessed in awe, it's has to break forth through layers....one layer to the next layer, until it's a soft, glorifying, refined little life. Though nothing...nothing but the strength the Lord places in that blossom, can peel the layers back for her. :-) She just has to accept the very strength her Maker has offered her by nature.

I shake my head, my friend. Life has so many layers. What layer are you facing right now? I'm encased in the beetle shell, working on this particular layer of my heart. And when I feel the most hopeless, pressing in my own strength against my circumstances, it's when I fall back weary and oh-so-ready for Him to take over that I begin to see the sunshine between the folds. Notice it's after the surrender?

May your day, and the rest of your week, be enveloped in this beautiful fact: We need Him. All of Him. Like that bloom, by nature we need His strength. We were formed with that need, so that nothing in the world could fill it but Himself. :-) "When we find ourselves most hopeless, the road most taxing, we may also find that it is then that the Risen Christ catches up to us on the way...for it is He--not His gifts, not His power, not what He can do for us, but He Himself--who comes and makes Himself known to us. And this is the one pure joy for those who sorrow." (Elisabeth Elliot)

Thankful for He, Himself...

Jen

Will. And not the kind producing pawn material. Though I'd love to pawn off mine...

Whatta Wednesday.
I have to say it didn't start out as a desirable Wednesday, but I smile.
I can smell the chicken & rice soup boilin' in the kitchen.
1 Kings was rather monotonous, but amusing in such a way the sun began to shine.
The snow melted and made everything soppy...but there's gobs and gobs of it falling, falling, falling as we Speak. Type. Read. Whatnot.
The kitchen floor is mopped.
And I'm chatting with LeAnna about the cruel humor she finds in her crazy cat...and bazookaing helicopters scoping out land for a gas plant on my house. :-)

And Jen is happy...about to burst out laughing for no reason. I will inform you, friend, I didn't feel this way just five minutes ago. In fact, I felt so emotionally unstable that I was gonna breakdown over something miniscule. Not miniscule to me. Miniscule to my capable God.
Notice a key something right there: not miniscule to me, miniscule to Him.
Why is it such a mountain to me, if it isn't to Him...especially when I'm loved by Him, seen by Him, carried by Him? Shouldn't my fear be overridden by His fearlessness? Praise God, it's not even fearlessness, it's superiority!
The word override means 1) to set aside by superior authority; cancel. Or 2) to prevail over. Like the law of gravity overrides my desire to fly.
A superior amount of water overrides the existence of fire.
So my God's capability, faithfulness, fearlessness, love, etc..."should" cancel out any of the opposite I produce in myself; my will per say. To set it aside, because my Superior Authority loves me and overrides any mountain I have to climb, simply because it's a spec of dust to Him.
Notice I worded it "should", meaning thanks to my will, it doesn't always happen that way. But He's teaching, hence the mountain/reason to trust.
This is where joy in the suffering comes to mind. A friend put it so perfectly about our will...it kicks against our circumstances. To trust Him in such a way, that I stop kicking against my circumstances and embrace them. To see the sunshine without the pain being watered down, is just another act of laying down my will. When we joy in right where we are, knowing He's put me here, is here with me (not left me here!), all simply because He's God and I am not. Stopping the kicking, and clinging to the joy to be found makes a contrast of difference. :-)

Whew. So I'm ready to have some chicken and rice soup...wanna have some with me? I just realized LeAnna may be rubbing off on me for outta nowhere, I mentioned food...though I don't think any recipe requesters are going to be satisfied with our unfancy chicken soup. :-)
Nothing a little cheyenne pepper wouldn't do for.

Have a blessed Wednesday, my friend--I pray we can climb to find this joy together. The reason our mountains are here are to teach us so. So even if we only find a measure of it in this fact, praise God; He is God, and I am not.
--hug--

There's just some things you do regardless of what contradicts them...

So how are you, dear friend? Things have been crazy here at the homeplace, but good. After the rush of the Christmas season at work, I've been enjoying over three weeks of just being home. It's gone by so fast, but the time has been so goooood for me. And I can't even name anything specific that I've done. Clean. Cook. Ride my Horse (only once did I brave the weather for it). Clean. Read a little, wrote a little. :-) I've missed doing these things very much, and found a simple joy in them I haven't known in awhile.
I did add a new member to the barnyard, imagine that. However she inhabits the house, imagine that.
So I have always wanted a parrot. Ever since I met one that belonged to a friend of ours, and ever since that sweet thing (mind you, he took to none of the strangers, save for me) plucked a green feather from his supply and placed it on my shoulder, I've been sold to wanting one. I still have that green feather in my jewelry box, by the way. :-) However, the fact that our friends had to finance the bird has somewhat kept me from seeking one out. But I found a Cockatiel in the paper several weeks ago, and was interested in the price.
So I have this bird, that was supposed to be a boy, but apparently had a complex because she finally laid an egg, revealing her true gender identity. She won't talk, since the males are the only ones that do--my Dad found that rather backwards--but we love her anyways.
She interestingly came about at the perfect time for me, and I had a hard time coming up with a suitable, yet uncorny, name for her. I kinda liked the name Darcy, cause it could work male or female, but I wanted it to mean something. I've always found it interesting in the Old Testament how the Israelites tended to name their children depending on where they were in life, what they'd learned, or things they'd gone through. So I looked up words in different languages (leaning towards Italian, naturally) that were key words to where I am and where I'd been lately, spiritually. And I came up with Fidarsi, which in Italian, means trust. :-) The kids have shortened it to Darsi, so it fits now.

A note to whom may be interested--as most of you know, the Lord has put it on my heart to begin a newsletter again, ever since I discontinued The Christian E-Girl Newsletter in '04. After praying about it, and lately feeling the pressing on my heart moreso to share the things He's bringing me through, the Lord has made a way (in more ways than one) to start again. It's called Cameratismo, meaning "fellowship". This time I have so much help, which is a blessing beyond deservant words. It's going to be very open, the mission of just sharing our hearts in hopes to edify and encourage each other in whatever part of life we're coming from! It is free to receive and through mail this time, so if you'd like to be added to the mailing list or would like to share (which is sooo needed and welcome!), just drop me a comment or e-mail me your address! Prayers would be so welcome too. :-)

My dear friend, I need to find some warmth. You may find this backwards, but my brother just proposed ice cream and I find myself happy to follow. :-) There's just some things you do regardless of what contradicts them. Like trust your Shepherd, when where He's leading is the last place you thought to go, and eat ice cream when the last thing you want is to be cold. But you find what you've chosen to do is the sweeter choice than it's "logical" option. :-)

Be blessed, for we're loved by One utterly willing and capable of loving us. :-)
--Jen

Two decades makes for interesting things...

Thank you everyone who has so sweetly wished me blessings today. :-)
Oh, happy birthday to me. *tosses confetti*

I love to cook, and I should've been Italian. :-) That's just what I've gathered with five senses and I'm stickin' to it. Usually if I make crab manicotti just fast and easy, it has merely a vegetable and butter bread to go along with it. But today, December 17, Jen was moody for a feast. So I packed stir-crazy Jaelyn up to go shopping for food! When I got home I baked a birthday cheesecake, and at about 4:45 embarked on suppa. We had the crab manicotti with a butter asparagus vegetable medley, a loaded salad, and artesian bread knots.
Then, of course, the *hallelujah chorus rings* caramel pecan cheesecake.
I won't eat for a couple days. :-) This brought me joy I've not known in a very long time.

20 years...and a few hours. Looking at all the tiniest molecular aspects that have woven my life to this very moment: milestones, people, places, burdens, seasons, blessings, and sufferings. From childhood, to girlhood, to whatever you'd call me now. These monstrous little things that have each been a thread in the tapestry of who I am now, or an aspect of the climax in this story. I look to the heavens and wonder...did the Lord God look down upon this curly-headed little blonde 20 years ago, and "interesting" be my destiny? Interesting, for lack of a better word.
Of your life, He's planning something. Do you grasp that? (I ask because I only just did) Do you, precious of God, look over your life and laugh...wondering what in the world He has in mind? I do. With how confused and blind I've become, I wonder, wonder, wonder. Like a child of dreams: this child knows what shape and form their deepest desires are. And then God gift-wraps their destiny...and it's in a different shape, with a big ol' bow nonetheless. As a child of carnal nature, you can't help but be heartbroken at first. Dear one, cling to the promise that it will be greater than you could ever have dreamed...no matter the outcome of your life. No matter the paths you'll take, the wildernesses you'll cross, the destinies you'll fullfill.
When I'm in my last breaths, how will I see my life as I look over it?
Blessed.
Not because Jen had good things, but because I had terrible things too. Because my Abba was in it with me, and nothing He's placed before me I cannot bear. He will bear it with me.
Paul challenged to take joy in your suffering--it's easy to joy in joyful things. It's faith to joy in things that are less than what we'd desired.
Even still, I don't deserve the seasons He's asked of me. So many have suffered more than I, and still come out singing praises to God. Can't I, whose been carried by Him in the little things I suffer, praise Him with every breath within me? I may never understand what exactly He's doing in the depths of me, but there's no living without Him. Love is worth any fall upon the invisable, as unlogical as it seems.
"...I may never understand the depth of what You've done inside, but I know I won't find any worth apart from You..." --Jeremy Camp

This has been a soapbox/heartbearing session for myself more than anything. :-) But thanks for bearing with me. Praise Him...He Who is in me and with me, and greater than anything in this world. :-)

Crying like a baby on a [Monday] in the snow...

(sounds like a country song)
Look to the east...Jen posted twice in two days??? :-)

So I woke up to a dreary Saturday morning. My Saturdays are typically like Garfield's Mondays, cause it means a long shift on a busy day. It means by the end of it, I'm starving, achy and my feet are akillin' me. Thankfully, I didn't have to be at work until 1, so I had some time to mosy about home.
My morning didn't start good at all. My spirit couldn't find it's resting place, so I shut myself in the quiet. :-) I know it helped, but in seeking joy and strength for the day, I found the longest sob session I've known in my 20 years. I don't remember hiccuping from tears since I was liitttle. That knotty feeling in your chest that builds into your throat before you cry seemed to just linger and linger and linger. I sat on the floor next to my hope chest where my stereo sits and just cried in the quiet, listening to Jeremy Camp's "Give me Jesus" over and over and over again...searching and feeling so wandersome.
Questions made no sense at all. Answers seemed like ash. The dagger in my soul just so happens to be something precious to me...of I pull it out, will I die? Leave it there, will I die?
When it hurts, it feels so good to cry. Wonder what the Lord thought of when He gave us the gift of crying. When the floodgates of all you're keeping from Him break in surrender, there's something so beautiful in the peace that overflows afterwords.

I took my CD with me and listened to it on my way to work...goodness it was cold! The day was all silvery gray, like it looks when it snows only without the snow. :-) It looked so sleepy, so quiet...it was so sweet to have those 30 minutes of driving, while the weather and the music reflected what my spirit needed so much. Simple, beautiful quiet.
The 10-hr shift was good for me...just to have my hands busy, my mind occupied, my worries momentarily cast aside. :-) Screaming kids and picky moms have that kinda effect.
When the day finally came to an end, exhausted and sore, I closed the studio and walked out into something that made me laugh out loud.
Snow.
Lots of it!
Wispy, sparkly, and sticky, and it wasn't stoppin'.
I had to drive 35 mph to get home safely, but there was no where else and no other speed I would've rather been going. It was so pretty...so peaceful. :-) I popped Jeremy Camp right back in and just watched it fall as I drove home in the dark. Nothing like it, I tell you.

"Where is the trust being worked out in my life if I think good things are from God but bad things are some mistake? Trust is believing that He is good in every situation, that He has a plan and reason in every situation, that His love is in every situation." (Andrea hit that on the nose--ylcf.org)

He is still good. He is still faithful. He is still Immanuel...still with me. No suffering, no heartache, no decision made by man can ever change Him. His promises still ring true, His love still endures forever---and "even when I don't deserve, [He always shows] the fullness of [His] love."

Amen.